Repairing Relationships
Beyond Setting Boundaries
I hope repair will become an obvious strategy for dealing with relational issues in our human culture.
Each time we choose to practice repair, we move a little closer to a collective world of peace.
Peace isn’t just an ideal or even a utopia. There are practical steps to repair and reconciliation. It’s a mindset and a set of skills. In this post, I’ll outline what practicing repair looks like.
To help you learn to put the skills into action, I offer individual and group coaching—more details on the Wholesome Groups website.
The Challenge
A common issue I've observed among people who are invested in their relationships is as follows:
I hear this story frequently in conversations: 'I didn’t show up the way I wanted to with my [boss, brother, girlfriend, etc.], and now we're in a difficult spot. I feel stuck and can't stop judging myself for it.' If everyone is authentic in a relationship, some friction is bound to happen sooner or later. It’s inevitable.
Okay, so you made a mistake. It can be a very painful spot to be in. It can feel like you'll be stuck there indefinitely.
Feeling stuck might seem like never-ending, mortifying, self-judging thoughts, an energy drain, or a sense of paralysis. To overcome it, we often consider common strategies such as:
Avoiding the person.
Covering it up with excuses.
Pretending nothing bad happened.
Doubling down. Insisting that you were right from the start.
Not expressing what truly needs to be expressed. Not showing up for ourselves.
The results may vary, but how you feel may improve much in the long term. Or worse, it may feel like you’ve betrayed yourself. The relationship suffers in some ways. There’s a lack of trust. Something is broken.
Here’s how you can repair:
Do your pre-work before you have the conversation.
1. Pre-work
Unpack your emotions
Begin by lessening the intensity of your 'stuckness' by unpacking all the emotions that arise.
Emotions are similar to clouds in many ways. Initially, they may feel like an overwhelming mass. If you pause and sit with them, you can start to discern the layers. You might feel guilt, sadness, and frustration– all simultaneously. Learning to name them can help reduce the intensity of these emotions.
Get to self-compassion
When you understand and accept your emotions, you feel seen and understood. It becomes easier to be kinder to yourself and extend compassion to yourself. If self-compassion is challenging, get help from friends who can offer empathy without judging or trying to solve things for you.
Understand what’s important to you
Difficult emotions are messengers. They point to important needs that you have that are unmet. For example: “I was frustrated because I needed more support, and then lost patience.” Spend time identifying your unmet needs that contributed to your mistake.
The outcome of the pre-work is more internal peace and readiness for a more objective conversation. Once the emotional intensity lessens, you can approach the conversation with a grounded perspective and better able to understand the other person's viewpoint. I can take some time to be ready to clean up. Resource yourself to gain the capacity to be present and focused during the clean up conversation, for example: journaling, exercising, art, socializing, etc. Whatever works for you.
2. Clean Up in Conversation
Get in the repair mindset
Unlike you, the other person might still be dealing with intense emotions. Hoping they will set their feelings aside to empathize with you is a lot to ask. The repair mindset means you’re open and curious about what it’s like for the other person. You give them the benefit of the doubt. You’re ready to suspend your needs temporarily to hear, see, and understand the other person. When you authentically show up in that mindset, people can sense it.
Bring vulnerability and authenticity to your conversation
Begin by stating your intention to repair and remind everyone why this relationship is important to you. Express what you want from the relationship as a positive vision: More joy? Quality time? Better collaboration? Improved productivity?
Share how you feel about the current situation. Is there sadness? Worry?
Be curious, listen to what they have to say. No, really, listen
Ask about their experience and needs. Allowing them to feel heard and understood can create a foundation for discussing the incident. Show that you authentically see them.
Authentically articulate mourning
It should sound something like, “I wish I had/didn’t. " Express regret about the impact of your actions on their experience with precision. A general “I’m sorry” doesn’t show you heard them. Ask what you can do to help repair.
Together, imagine a way forward that satisfies everyone
Going into conflict by default is a crisis of imagination in many ways. See if they’re emotionally ready to imagine a way forward since the old way wasn’t working. You could decide to get to that in a later conversation. How it goes: The practice starts by putting all of your needs and their needs on the table. The goal is to co-create a world where everyone’s needs are satisfied. It might require a new way, the creation of a new territory. Commit to trying the new approach and check in early to see if it's working. It’s like maintenance after repair.
3. Some Caveats
For some areas of our lives, it’s more difficult
Family is one area that’s typically hard, because there is so much history. Sometimes repair isn’t the best course of action. When there is a power differential at work or in blatantly unhealthy relationships, trying to repair may be extremely risky mentally, physically or financially.
Repairing doesn’t always work
It takes two to tango. If the other person doesn’t want to reciprocate, if there is no trust, trying to repair could make things worse. It’s a valid strategy to accept that some things aren’t in our control and to work around them.
Repairing is a choice
When you seriously consider repair as an option, you’re making a choice. In that moment, you’re exercising your agency, your sovereignty.
When you practice repair, you practice a healthy kind of power. The kind that can bring people together.
If repair does work, you demonstrate to yourself that despite making mistakes, you can handle the consequences constructively.
When that works out well, this strengthens the relationship. You faced a challenge together and overcame it, building trust. Eventually, you may even be grateful for the entire incident.
And if repair doesn’t work, something has changed: at least you tried your best. You showed up. That makes it easier to get closure, accept and move on.
Group Coaching Offers
In addition to individual coaching, I’m now offering group coaching because growing with people who get it is SO powerful.
The Wholesome Groups
I offer three formats of group coaching. My intention is to create a space where you can be true to yourself. You can show up with your doubts, fears, confusions, and challenges. You have a place to untangle all that and learn skills that will resource you in your everyday life.
The two in-depth programs: Find Strength Within, and Enneagram Beyond Your Type both include the Empathy program.
For the in-depth programs, the group process will mix myth and metaphor, science and spirituality, positive psychology with personal reflection, demonstrations, inner work, and mindfulness practices.
The next sessions start the week of February 26th. Exact dates based on registrants availability.
You can learn more on the Wholesome Groups website, and during the information zoom call on February 13th, 2024, at 6 PM.
Sign up to get the zoom details. If you can’t attend the live call, click below and I will send you the recording.
My bi-monthly play event:
The Wholesome Circle
Join me for The Wholesome Circle on the evenings of February 12th in Oakland and March 12th in San Francisco. These group play sessions blend mindfulness, improv, and relational games, helping participants connect with their emotional and somatic intelligence. Past participants have come out of the circle feeling calm and connected.
Embodied Explorations
I’m continuously exploring embodied practices. The last ones, for me, were laughter yoga and micro-fusion dance. Quite the joyful workout! Here’s what’s next…
Body & Heart Explorations
Oakland, CA
Somato-Respiratory Integration (SRI): a highly recommended this breath + awareness practice designed to connect you with your body’s rhythms and inner wisdom. Quite eye-opening for me! I saw my heart and body intelligence in a new way. You're in for a treat at the Community Night with Dr Gianna & Dr Kevin. Next date: February 13th.
Micro-fusion partner dancing: although I am a lifelong dancer, partner dancing has intimidated me. That’s why I decided to try last month. I’m glad I went, I found a beginner-friendly welcoming community. It’s non-gender conforming: everyone learns to lead and to follow. I look forward to going back. Next date: February 10th
Inspirations
Vulnerable Rally by Gabriel Diamond & Candice Dawn
Gabriel has designed the “Vulnerable Rally “as a community experiment in radical vulnerability, compassion, empathy and courage.”
If you want to organize your rally, check out the instructions. They’re pretty simple. Spread the love!
Art in the post
In this post, I borrowed inspiring art work from Jon Foreman and Worry Lines. Check out their Instagram and support them if you can.
That’s it for the first post!
📣 If you think someone might benefit from it, spread the word.